Listmates,
The past few weeks have been very hard for me as I have watched my mother go downhill. She is nearly totally bedridden now. What really hurts is to hear her cry out in fear - knowing that there is nothing that we can do to ease her fear - as she is being repositioned in bed. Of course with my recent surgery, I can do nothing to help with her care, and that is frustrating as well. With the encouragement of the Hospice nurses, we are giving her a 1/2 mg of Ativan twice a day to try to help keep her calm. If it works at all, it just seems to take the edge off of her fear. I have read reports - not on the List - where people have advocated just letting the person go. They would suggest that we just stop feeding her and just let nature take it's course. I can't do that. As long as she will eat and drink, and swallow, I will continue to feed her. But I wrote this poem to try to help myself express my feelings. I hope it makes sense.
Jerry

Sometimes I cry, but what else can I do?
This terrible illness is a tough pill to chew.
This once lively lady now lies in her bed.
Just being turned seems to fill her with dread.
More like an infant, she becomes every day,
Dear God, how I hate to see her this way.
Yes, there are those who would say "Let her go."
From deep in my heart, I would have to say no.
This dear sweet lady, once full of life,
Was someone's daughter, a mother, and wife.
She touched lives with her warmth and her grace.
Her love was seen by the smile on her face.
But, sad to say, her life has now changed,
And now, in her mind, everything's strange.
But she's still my mother, so I'll do my best,
To see to her comfort 'til God gives her rest.
I'll do what I can to help calm her fears.
I'll hold her hand as she sheds bitter tears.
There're times when I see the love in her eyes,
But it doesn't stay, and sometimes I cry.

© 2000, Jerry Ham

e-mail: Jerry.Ham@werner-saumweber.de